On Certainty and Vulnerability

Photo by Karina Miller

One of my teachers asked me this question: "What are you absolutely certain of?" The question really stumped me. My logical brain could not come up with a single answer.

Having spent my life in the company of very intellectually-skilled and challenging debaters, I felt trapped. Was it a trick question? The only thing I could think of to say was, "Nothing, but not in a bad way."

"No," she demanded, "what are you certain of?" "Really, nothing," I said, "I can't think of anything." And then, with some sadness she said, "Ok, that might be true for you." I could sense that my intellect was holding me back from something potentially rich and deep—some essential life force.

Around the table we went. When we got back to me, I had an answer, provided by others. I was certain of love, and most specifically, my love for my children. I'm so certain of it that debate would be utterly ridiculous.

As I reflected on this moment of certainty in the following weeks, and grew in my confidence around my certainty about love, I understood that my prior uncertainty about anything was what was holding me back. It's what held me back from expressing myself and sharing myself with others, from having an opinion, trusting anyone and being truly connected in a vulnerable way, from creativity, and especially from writing.

What I thought I was hiding is so obvious now that I feel stupid saying it, because something I'm at least fairly certain of, is that I wasn't fooling anyone but myself. I was hiding an immense fear of being wrong, misunderstood, disliked, and especially of making anyone angry or uncomfortable. It seemed safer and wiser to hold back.

For all of those who have pulled their hair out desperately wanting me to just say what I thought about something, to be straight and vulnerable, to take risks and quit being such a pansy, to express some passion, I apologize. I get it now. The cost was high at times. I didn't always do my job. You suffered. You saw me suffering.

Having at least one solid thing to be certain of gives me a place to start from in the act of creating. I see a whole new world of possibility opening up before me as I create being connected, authentic, and vulnerable.

What gives you the courage to be vulnerable? What do you see is possible to create in your life by being vulnerable?

Here are a few of my inspirations:

• One of the bravest, most vulnerable writers in the world, and one of my absolute favorite bloggers: Penelope Trunk
• A fabulous Tedx Talk on connection and vulnerability by Brené Brow.
• My dear friend Kelley Picasso, who challenges me to trust, love, and be vulnerable, and who demonstrates her own vulnerability on a regular basis. She also just started a beautiful new blog called A Cool Blue Pearl. 
• One of my best teachers and guides, Sarah Maclean Bicknell of Creative Ground who asked me the question that prompted this blog post.